{"id":1234,"date":"2026-07-29T16:06:28","date_gmt":"2026-07-29T16:06:28","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/redzine.co.uk\/index.php\/2026\/07\/29\/you-have-more-ways-to-connect-than-ever-but-deep-friendship-feels-hard-to-find-heres-how-to-build-better-connections\/"},"modified":"2026-07-29T16:06:28","modified_gmt":"2026-07-29T16:06:28","slug":"you-have-more-ways-to-connect-than-ever-but-deep-friendship-feels-hard-to-find-heres-how-to-build-better-connections","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/redzine.co.uk\/index.php\/2026\/07\/29\/you-have-more-ways-to-connect-than-ever-but-deep-friendship-feels-hard-to-find-heres-how-to-build-better-connections\/","title":{"rendered":"You have more ways to connect than ever, but deep friendship feels hard to find \u2013 here\u2019s how to build better connections"},"content":{"rendered":"<figure><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/images.theconversation.com\/files\/749154\/original\/file-20260721-57-fq6npb.jpg?ixlib=rb-4.1.1&amp;rect=221%2C0%2C7812%2C5207&amp;q=45&amp;auto=format&amp;w=1050&amp;h=700&amp;fit=crop\" \/><figcaption><span class=\"caption\"><\/span> <span class=\"attribution\"><a class=\"source\" href=\"https:\/\/www.shutterstock.com\/image-photo\/two-friends-share-heartfelt-hug-on-2715168985?trackingId=7464c9ab-3d50-488f-8afc-a24d2626d981&amp;listId=searchResults\">Gorgev\/Shutterstock<\/a><\/span><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<p>You know what\u2019s happening in the lives of dozens of people. A friend from school has just had a baby. Someone you follow online recently got engaged. A colleague has returned from a holiday. Messages and updates arrive constantly. Yet when you\u2019re having a difficult week, deciding who to call feels surprisingly hard. You\u2019re connected \u2013 but you don\u2019t feel it.<\/p>\n<p>This paradox is increasingly familiar to many <a href=\"https:\/\/theconversation.com\/topics\/quarter-life-117947\">young adults<\/a>. Despite being more connected than any previous generation, many <a href=\"https:\/\/www.theatlantic.com\/magazine\/archive\/2025\/02\/american-loneliness-personality-politics\/681091\">report<\/a> struggling to build friendships that provide a genuine sense of closeness, belonging and support. Young people have been described as <a href=\"https:\/\/www.deccanchronicle.com\/tabloid\/hyderabad-chronicle\/too-connected-to-connect-1965432\">\u201ctoo connected to connect\u201d<\/a>. <\/p>\n<p>You might feel you have more connections than ever before, but those connections can feel shallow, rushed and carefully staged. Relationships abound, but authenticity \u2013 the ability to be yourself \u2013 feels scarce. <\/p>\n<p>In <a href=\"https:\/\/www.panmacmillan.com\/authors\/sam-carr\/all-the-lonely-people\/9781035005550\">my own work<\/a>, I\u2019ve seen this in children who contort themselves into particular roles or identities to preserve family connection. Or in spouses and partners who hide parts of themselves to maintain a facade or status quo in a marriage or romantic relationship. <\/p>\n<p>In essence, it is a form of conditional love: the idea that we are only lovable if we present particular sides of ourselves, while keeping others carefully edited or hidden away. Perhaps the issue is not a lack of people, but a lack of spaces where it feels safe to be our authentic selves.<\/p>\n<hr>\n<p><em><strong>No one\u2019s 20s and 30s look the same.<\/strong> You might be saving for a mortgage or just struggling to pay rent. You could be swiping dating apps, or trying to understand childcare. No matter your current challenges, our <a href=\"https:\/\/tcnv.link\/RYTudJL\">Quarter Life series<\/a> has articles to share in the group chat, or just to remind you that you\u2019re not alone.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Read more from Quarter Life:<\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>\n<p><em><a href=\"https:\/\/theconversation.com\/struggling-to-make-friends-as-an-adult-why-you-should-try-looking-to-older-generations-189814\">Struggling to make friends as an adult? Why you should try looking to older generations<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n<p><em><a href=\"https:\/\/theconversation.com\/how-to-resolve-friendship-tension-like-lorde-and-charli-xcx-234025\">How to resolve friendship tension like Lorde and Charli XCX<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n<p><em><a href=\"https:\/\/theconversation.com\/when-friendship-is-treated-as-essential-what-happens-to-young-adults-who-dont-have-any-253814\">When friendship is treated as essential, what happens to young adults who don\u2019t have any?<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<hr>\n<p>Depth and authenticity in young adults\u2019 friendships could be threatened by this same dynamic. This risk stems partly from the environments in which people form friendships. Social media platforms, professional networking spaces, dating apps and even some university and workplace cultures can encourage people to present highly curated versions of themselves. These spaces are often shaped by <a href=\"https:\/\/books.google.co.uk\/books?hl=en&amp;lr=&amp;id=K_phAgAAQBAJ&amp;oi=fnd&amp;pg=PA70&amp;dq=curated+selves+online+friendships&amp;ots=IJ5D6dA4b5&amp;sig=3Sji5fg_-n2aYn7sTv-A84gCiRQ#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false\">performance<\/a> \u2014 where people can feel pressure to appear confident, socially successful or emotionally untroubled. <\/p>\n<p>If depth in friendship is under threat, it is worth asking what deep friendship actually involves. <a href=\"https:\/\/link.springer.com\/article\/10.1007\/s10902-010-9240-8\">Research<\/a> on close relationships suggests that meaningful friendships depend less on the number of people in our lives and more on the quality of connection we feel with them. <\/p>\n<p>Depth emerges when we feel able to show parts of ourselves that are usually hidden, when those parts are met with recognition rather than judgment, and when we feel as though we matter.<\/p>\n<p>In this sense, deep friendship is not about constant contact. It involves reciprocity, emotional risk and a willingness to move beyond performance. It requires continuity over time, shared vulnerability and the gradual building of trust. These qualities cannot be manufactured quickly, nor can they be sustained through curated selves.<\/p>\n<h2>Building deeper friendships<\/h2>\n<p>If we want deeper friendships, we may need to shift our focus away from finding more people and towards investing differently in the relationships we have.<\/p>\n<p>In her book <a href=\"https:\/\/uk.bookshop.org\/a\/15793\/9781580056076\">Frientimacy<\/a>, the author, Shasta Nelson, argues that close friendships are built through three basic ingredients: positivity, consistency and vulnerability.<\/p>\n<p>We are naturally drawn towards people with whom we feel accepted, valued and at ease. Deep friendship is rarely built around impressive performances or obligation. Instead, it grows through interactions that leave us feeling understood, encouraged and welcomed. This can be as simple as expressing our appreciation, showing genuine interest or creating moments of shared enjoyment \u2013 all ways to express positivity about the relationship.<\/p>\n<p>Consistency is perhaps the most overlooked ingredient. Many adults assume that closeness emerges from profound conversations alone. But friendship <a href=\"https:\/\/journals.plos.org\/plosone\/article?id=10.1371\/journal.pone.0288095\">research<\/a> repeatedly suggests that regular contact matters enormously. Trust develops through repeated encounters: a weekly coffee, a message asking how someone is doing, a walk after work \u2013 a shared routine that communicates, \u201cyou matter enough for me to keep showing up\u201d.<\/p>\n<figure class=\"align-center \">\n            <img decoding=\"async\" alt=\"Two men laughing in a coffee shop\" src=\"https:\/\/images.theconversation.com\/files\/749162\/original\/file-20260721-57-putv42.jpg?ixlib=rb-4.1.1&amp;q=45&amp;auto=format&amp;w=754&amp;fit=clip\"><figcaption>\n              <span class=\"caption\">Consistency, like a weekly coffee catch-up, can be a great way to build deeper friendships.<\/span><br \/>\n              <span class=\"attribution\"><a class=\"source\" href=\"https:\/\/www.shutterstock.com\/image-photo\/two-male-friends-sharing-moment-laughter-2625495605?trackingId=3d990fca-3309-4202-b95e-c0c463862209&amp;listId=searchResults\">we.bond.creations\/Shutterstock<\/a><\/span><br \/>\n            <\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<p>Vulnerability is where authenticity comes into play. Vulnerability does not require dramatic disclosure or emotional oversharing. Rather, it involves allowing other people to see parts of us that may be imperfect, uncertain or unfinished. It means moving beyond carefully curated versions of ourselves and risking being known more fully. Deep friendship develops when vulnerability is met with empathy, rather than judgment.<\/p>\n<p>These ingredients interconnect. Consistency creates the trust that makes vulnerability possible. Vulnerability deepens the positivity people experience in one another\u2019s company. Together, they create what Nelson calls frientimacy: the sense of closeness, understanding and belonging that characterises meaningful friendship.<\/p>\n<p>The lesson here may simply be that friendship is not something we \u201cacquire\u201d so much as \u201cpractice\u201d. In a culture that so often rewards performance, deep friendship asks for something different: presence, consistency and the courage to be known.<\/p>\n<p>The French philosopher <a href=\"https:\/\/www.penguin.co.uk\/authors\/31488\/simone-weil\">Simone Weil<\/a> once wrote that \u201cattention is the rarest and purest form of generosity\u201d. Perhaps this can be applied to friendship. Deep connections rarely emerge instantly. More often, they begin when we pay closer attention to one another, reveal a little more of ourselves, and keep showing up.<\/p>\n<p><em>This article features references to books that have been included for editorial reasons, and may contain links to bookshop.org. If you click on one of the links and go on to buy something from bookshop.org The Conversation UK may earn a commission.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/counter.theconversation.com\/content\/285022\/count.gif\" alt=\"The Conversation\" width=\"1\" height=\"1\" \/><\/p>\n<p class=\"fine-print\"><em><span>Sam Carr does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Gorgev\/Shutterstock You know what\u2019s happening in the lives of dozens of people. A friend from school has just had a baby. Someone you follow online recently got engaged. A colleague has returned from a holiday. Messages and updates arrive constantly. Yet when you\u2019re having a difficult week, deciding who to call feels surprisingly hard. You\u2019re [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1234","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/redzine.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1234","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/redzine.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/redzine.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/redzine.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/redzine.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1234"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/redzine.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1234\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/redzine.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1234"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/redzine.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1234"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/redzine.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1234"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}